He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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