She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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