ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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