Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
