Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
