I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
