I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
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