we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
