Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
