i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
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Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
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going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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