last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
