I wish I could teleport
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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