just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
