YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
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