Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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