Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
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He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
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He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize