I just saw a hot homeless man
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
