Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
