I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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