ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
