My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
