My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
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There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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