please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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