Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
