so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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