I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
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being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
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Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
40s are totally the cure
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".