I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
25 People Confess The Most Awkward Situation They’ve Ever Been In
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
These Are 21 Of The Most Delusional People Ever
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.