I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...