i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
