There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
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You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
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candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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