So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
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Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
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It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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