bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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