awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
