That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
