Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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