Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Drake has all the answers
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Randomize
