Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
