I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
