you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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