one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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