Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
