you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
