I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
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I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
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Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
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