the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
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