I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
