I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
