"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
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She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
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Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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