But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
