Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
