I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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