Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
