Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
