I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize