I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
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