also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I lost the right to judge tonight
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
