I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
