let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i wish my penis had a tongue
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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