so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
